Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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