I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
