Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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