Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
