My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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