I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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