you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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