This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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