Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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