I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
