your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
