mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
