dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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