aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Did I show you my penis last night?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
