Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
