I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
