update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
