My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Life is so much better after having sex.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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