I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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