If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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