you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
