omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
