I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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