Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
