Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
