omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
