Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
