Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
