im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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