if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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