i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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