dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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