In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
