Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How naked do you want me to be?
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