So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
