oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
