I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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