I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
