Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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