a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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