I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Randomize
