just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
