Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
