a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
