In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
