I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
