I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
