He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
