i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
