I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
