He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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